Neals Journey thu' time

Interesting

2004-12-24T18:14:58Z

Mark from PTA pointed me out this strange yet touching piece of prose

The fierce Dinosaur was TRAPPED inside his CAGE of ICE. Although it was COLD he was HAPPY in there. It was, after all, HIS cage. Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur MELTED the Dinosaur's cage with KIND words and LOVING thoughts. I LIKE this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also TENDER and he is FUNNY. He is also quite CLEVER though i will not tell him this for now. I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is BEAUTIFUL and DIFFERENT and she SMELLS so nice. She is also a FREE SPIRIT which is a quality i much ADMIRE in a Dinosaur. But he can be so DISTANT and PECULIAR at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. He is also overly fond of THINGS. Are all dinosaurs so overly fond of THINGS? But her mind SKIPS from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on SHOPPING. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly Keen on shopping? I will FORGIVE his peculiarity and his concern for THINGS, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him such a richly charactered INDIVIDUAL. I will FORGIVE her SKIPPING MIND and her FONDNESS for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with BEAUTIFUL thoughts and WONDERFUL surprises. Besides, i am not unkeen on SHOPPING either. Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are OLD. LOOK at them. TOGETHER they stand on the hill, telling each other STORIES and feeling the WARMTH of the Sun on their backs. Let us ALL be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs TOGETHER. For the Sun is WARM. And the world is a BEAUTIFUL place.

The End.

...Edward Monkton.

Make of it what you will

Diary of Nothingness

2004-12-21T20:33:13Z

I feel I should write something down to try and clear my head and this journal seems to be something I write in only when things are not so good, plus no one but me reads it.

Quick recap, Odie left me last week (Tuesday 14th December for the record). Basically things haven't been to good for us since the beginning of last year due to one thing after another and we've not talked enough.

Words cannot express how bad I feel at the moment. To date I have consumed 2 bottles of brandy, half a bottle of gin and 4 litres of beer. I know its ridiculously cliched drinking but for a brief brief time I can forget whats happening to me but then it all comes back worse so much worse.

I'd booked some time off last week (ironically to spend with Odie) so instead I sat at home. Tuesday and Wednesday day I was just in shock and just felt so so hollow. Then Wednesday night comes round and Phil starts chasing me for £60 for the work on my car. I haven't got any money at the moment so we ended up arguing about the fucking car he sold me, a choice quote of his 'it was sold as seen' - I'm his brother for gods sake! This tipped me over the edge and I spent literally 3 hours doubled up in pain in my room. Just to really stick the boot in my Dad seems to have made it his mission in life recently to constantly have a go at me, he had a huge go at me blaming me for the state of my car (huh?) and started throwing stuff through my bedroom door. My brother then came round to continue having a go at me face to face but then backed down when he saw how upset I was. I was sat there at about midnight feeling lower than I ever ever have before (including Tracey/Sarah/Mel moments) looking round my room in my PARENTS house and I realised I have no one to talk to to help me through this. When you go out with someone you do see your friends less and this last week has emphasised how few friends I have left and how I can't talk with any of them about all this, its so so horrible. People like Monica etc aren't there for me anymore for whatever reason it is they have stopped talking to me. I've even been thinking of emailing Tracey to see how she is (apparently her father died recently) just so I have someone to talk to. But I'm not that desperate yet I hope.

I went shopping on Thursday with my Mum and Dad for all the Christmas stuff and they were having a whinge for me not getting into the spirit of it.... In Tescos Irlam I started crying when I saw a Winnie the Pooh penci case (I used to call Odarka my Pooh Bear) how pathetic is that. I had to leave the shop and sit in the car for about an hour to get myself under control a bit. Friday and the weekend went by as one meaningless blurr, there were so so many times I just wanted to talk to someone but who do I call? I'm back in work now doing a late shift all of Xmas week and Odie is sametiming me when I get into work to check how I am. I can't even begin to describe how painful this is I want to hold her and talk to her so so so much, and these little sametime messages just seem to end up upsetting us both. I would give anything for another day with her, last night I drank a bit of brandy and took a couple of headache pills which really knocked me out, at one point during the night I had a really vivid dream I dreamt that my room was arranged the way it used to be (I really felt like it was, hard to explain) and that someone was in the bed next to me. Part of me knew it was a dream but I was in this state of happiness for about 5 minutes before I came round properly. I can't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing, it made me happy however fleetingly but now has made me feel worse. Last night at work two of the women were discussing past relationships and I just sat there thinking of what I've lost and I can't imagine talking about Odarka and me in the past-tense I just can't. I'm not sure what to do now, she is having a break to think about what she wants (she told me she was 90% sure she wanted to be with me) but I've just read on her journal that we have definately split up. I just feel like I'm in a limbo state. I just can't see how I can move on from this, i really can't. I'm not just saying this but if I manage to fuck up this relationship with someone I thought loved me as much as I loved them then what hope have I got? You see the thing is people tell their partners that they are all they want but its pretty fucking true in my case. Apart from the physical side of our relationship (with both our problems) she was EVERYTHING I wanted. Where do I go now? I thought we could work through this but if the spark isnt there for her then thats it it appears. If only you could go back in time, but you can't can you, so now I'm left to deal with it. I think Odarka would like me to be her friend still (once she has had a good think about us) but it would just kill me going to that, especially if she got a new boyfriend and as I've said shes all I want so I wouldnt ever move on. I never thought I would feel so deeply about someone it would cause me physical pain. I keep getting these stress bouts where it feels like someones tightening a luggage strap across my chest I had to sit in the toilets at work a few hours ago because it was getting so bad. People say that it takes time to get over stuff like this but I really can't see a way out its just a bleak dark future stretching ahead of me, everything I do or enjoy reminds me of her, I listen to music and I just keep remembering when we listened to it, I try and play a game on the Xbox and it reminds me of us playing, I was watching South Park the other day and it reminded me that one of the last things we did together was watch an episode. During the day I keep hearing little bits of news that I automatically think to tell her, when I come into work I was so used to a little call from her to say hello and help me through the day.

Work has got so bad, I didnt get a job because I have long hair and apparently don't integrate........ I pretty much laughed this off at the time but in light of whats happened recently and the 'revelation' as to lack of friends maybe its true? I dunno, I really dont, I don't know who I am anymore or who is there for me, I look at the list of people I thought I've made some sort of positive impact on but none of them talk to me anymore, they've all got partners and new jobs and are happy. I'm still here doing the same thing, I don't have any prospects here, I have few friends, no girlfriend and I live with my parents.............. I remember when I was having a mini breakdown due to everything going wrong at Uni I used to walk down Oxford Road and think how easy it would be just to step out in front of a bus and that would be it. I came so close so many times but there was always something to stop me. I don't feel like that now but there isn't anything for me, oh I dont know, I really don't I don't know how to handle this, I don't know what to do and have no one I can turn to for help, I have no female friends left and I can't really talk to Blain about how my sexual inadequacies and being overweight cost me the relationship I'd always wanted.

I may write again here in a month or so once I've got through Christmas, I've got to tell Marie-Claire I can't go out with her on New Years eve as I can't face it on my own, then theirs my birthday....

The ironic bit as I was reading the last entries in my journal I realised I'd given the game away about putting the money aside for the nu-rock boots i was gonna get odie for Christmas, I only had a few quid left to pay on them after like 6 months. Jesus what a fuck up I am, I fucking hate feeling like this..............

Thank goodness

2004-02-16T00:32:42Z

Quick update - Just had a call from a nurse at the hospital, my darling girlfriend has just come out of surgery and she is OK!!!!! How cool.

Its funny I was actually reading the valentine card she gave me and was just starting to cry when the nurse phoned. I'm so happy.

God I'm going slushy in my old age

Oh Dear

2004-02-15T22:40:16Z

Well this weekend didn't quite go as expected, Odie has a really painful abcess thingy at the base of her spine and its been causing her so much pain its untrue. I've been back home about an hour and a half from the hospital where I have had to leave her tonight waiting for an operation to sort it out :( We went into the A & E department at the local hospital today at about three thirty and they decided (after alot of poking) that she needs one possibly two operations to sort it all out. She was in alot of pain and it really cut me up inside seeing her hurting so much. Fortunately shes in a really nice ward (as they go) and she should have the operation sometime tonight or tomorrow morning. Its only a minor operation but I am so worried watching her walking around with a drip in her arm and stuff is very scary, she was being very brave about it though, I am so so proud of her. When I left her tonight I really had to fight hard to stop myself crying I could feel it welling up, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me to... its the first time shes ever said that, how is it possible to feel so happy and sad at the same time?

Anyway I'm going to stop talking about that now as I'm getting very upset.

Subject change

Band practice yesterday was very good indeed, we have now lost Blain but we seemed to plough through alot more and get loads more done I really enjoyed it, no practise next week as I'm going to visit Odarkas parents.
Shock horror! Monica didnt turn up to the practise, I am getting very annoyed with her attitude at the moment, she promised she would be round on Wednesday but then blew me off with about 2 hours to go. She then promised me that she was free Thursday (when Barnes now tells me shes know for 2 weeks that she was going out with Martin on that night) then she doesnt turn up for practise. Well thats it.... today I removed her from the bands website. I know she has alot on but her lack of common decency is just pissing me off big-style, how hard is it to pick up a phone, answer my texts, return my emails? I was talking to Chris at work who Monica had apparently sent the same email as she sent me from Brazil. Chris summed it up quite well, he said it was nice but shes makes no other attempt to keep in touch with people so whats the point?

Anyway can't be bothered wasting more time on Monica at the moment, to upset and tired. I'm off work tomorrow to go and pick up Odarka and look after her.

Wish me luck

First Entry

2004-02-08T00:15:34Z

Well I've decided to do this tonight since I'm sad in my lovely girlfriends house after just getting back home from the Perfect Circle gig.

I'm not sure if I'm going to tell Odarka that I'm writing this yet, not for any slippery reasons but I'd like to put a few entries into it before I consider showing it to people.... might sound strange but it makes vague sense to me.

Been a fairly good week in all, topped off by a great day today, spent alot of the day in bed catching up on some sleep and then we went to the Perfect Circle gig at the Apollo in Manchester, its probably the best gig I've been to, I'm really into their music at the moment and I was practically screaming alot of the lyrics (Magdalena in particular stands out as one I was bellowing!) I was lucky enough to grab a setlist which was as follows

VANISHING
PET
HOLLOW
MAGDALENA
WEAK & POWERLESS
ORESTES
BLUE
THINKING OF YOU
BRENA
THE PACKAGE
3 LIBRAS
NURSE WHO LOVED ME
GRAVITY
THE OUTSIDER
NOOSE
JUDITH

It was fantastic the sound quality was pretty much spot on and the vocals and everything else jelled just so well. It was interesting to see James Iha as I never got the chance to see the Pumpkins before they split up. Odarka got me a nice Perfect Circle wristband thingy like my QOTSA one but better, very cool....

I'm really glad I got to go to the gig with Odarka today, she looked really fantastic in this red top and her hair looked fab, 'sultry' is the word which popped into my head but that just might be me talking crap. Being out with her tonight re-affirmed my faith even more that we are right for each other.... Let me explain.... the last few weeks I don't think I've always been acting myself, work has been stressing me out alot and I'm worried shitless about the money and stuff I owe and I just feel so wound up at times. The normal things I do to release tension (i.e. play my guitar very loud) don't seem to do it anymore, I used to love battering out some tunes on my guitar to unwind but recently I can't be bothered learning other peoples stuff as I'd rather be doing original stuff but then I get frustrated at the slow progess with all of that. This has generally lead to me being alot more wound up than I have been for a long time and I can just feel myself wanting to start an arguement with someone to let off steam and since I spend most of my time with Odie I'm worried it will be her I quarrel with. Over the last two weeks I've had to stop myself a few times from saying things I didn't mean just to start an arguement, it really hurts me as I'm pretty sure the person I think I am doesn't act like I am at the moment (if that makes sense?). Its almost as if sometimes I almost have an out of body experience when I look down on myself and think..... what a shit you are, why are you being horrible to such a sweet person. It upsets me alot but its hard to explain to her. Tonights concert was great for releasing alot of tension, just standing there and shouting fucking ace!!! Hopefully I can get my head sorted out..... I can't lose Odie she means the world and more to me I'd be pretty lost without her.

Maybe I should explain why I'm at her house when she and her best friend Tim are out at a nightclub in town? Well I'm supposed to be going to my friend Marie-Claires birthday party but unfortunately I only have £1.70 to my name at the moment (how fucking sad is that?) and since entry into the club is £4 I'm pretty much fucked (unless they'll let me stick my head in for £1.70). 'Course I could have borrowed the money off Odarka but I really don't want her to start thinking I'm leeching off her, its funny I always had this ideal in my head that when I met my perfect woman I'd be able to treat her so well and do all this cool stuff. Well £1.70 aint going to get us far is it???? Odarka to her credit genuinely doesn't seem bothered by my lack of money but I can't explain to her the fact that its myself I feel I'm letting down and not her.... I feel that she deserves so so much....sounds very self pitying I know but I'm new to this relationship stuff so bear with me. So instead of being at my friends birthday I'm sat at her house on my own listening to Mark Lanegan tunes (fuck that man can sing, his vocals just seem to crystalise any pain your feeling and give it life) going off the subject awesome song I'm listening to at the moment by him, I've been listening to it all week (lyrics below) I just love the lyric "The place starts swinging when it's me on the noose" its just struck a chord with me....

(spoken)
Break my heart and hope to die
Before Lexington could slow down.
Say a chariot's waiting to be cut loose,
The place starts swinging when it's me on the noose

Mother do you think I let the children cry
Because I want to shake your chain?
Walked miles today, one for every year of my life,
In the stinking fucking rain.
(singing)
Just to slow down
So I could slow down, so I could slow down, yeah...

Look for me, love, just one last time
Spare me a chance, I've wasted mine.
Shine on me, light--don't you know I would
Reach for you there if only I could.

If I could slow down, if I could slow down
If I could slow down, just slow down...

Don't mind bein' stoned, they say Jesus was.
And I like bein' alone, and I can take livin' low.
Forgive my bein' cruel if ever I was,
say a word for me, too, when I'm under the gun.

Wouldn't break my heart, if I could slow down
Let the place start swinging if there's a chariot waitin'
It wouldn't break me heart, if I could slow down
Let the place start swinging if there's a chariot waitin.

It wouldn't break my heart...

Anyway what I'd really like to do is save a little bit of money over the next couple of months and try and get her some New Rock boots which I know shes been after for years, they cost about £120 which is alot but I know she really wants them. Shes mentioned that they sell them at the Home Design Store in Manchester and you can pay for them a bit at a time so maybe I can do that, sounds like a plan hey? Its not much at the end of the day but I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought behind it. I know people say money isn't everything and that they don't expect gifts etc etc which is true but little presents never go amiss do they? Its Valentines day next week I'm going to get her a big card and something nice as a present. Wish me luck

Well thats me for now, I will fill you in on the ongoing fun that is the band and the other stuff in my life next time. Its funny I'm writing this and potentially no one will see it but I've found it quite useful for getting my thoughts organised (although looking back through this entry the word organised would not spring to mind)

Until next time...